Joel and N’omi Orr
Together since 1972
joel@joelorr.com

What 3-5 things would you say make your relationship work?

Jesus. He is the first commitment for each of us, and at the heart of our marriage.

Men need respect more than they need oxygen; women need to know they are loved more than they need oxygen. Love and respect don’t just happen; they are the result of our choices.

We found out what our respective “love languages” (See Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages”; also my book, “Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach”) are, and we both make sure we “speak” our mate’s love language to them several times every day.

Everything became wonderful when I decided to “incorporate” my wife N’omi – that is, to recognize that she and I are part of “one flesh.” She is not my rival; she is my best help.

What rituals do you engage in which support your lives together?

She folds my socks and underwear. I make sure my socks go into the hamper right-side out, so that she doesn’t have to turn them inside-out.

I read to her, daily – the Bible, novels, and more.

She is my only barber.

When N’omi tells me something I don’t like, or don’t agree with, I say, “I’ll pray about that.” And I do.

When she sees I’m tense or upset, she touches me. (Touch is my love language.)

When N’omi is tense or upset, I bring her a glass of water, or do something else for her. (“Acts of service” is her love language.)

Please describe the turning points that took your relationship to a deeper level.

We got saved 1/16/73. That made marriage possible.

In the early years of our marriage, I realized my need to incorporate her, never to see her as “other,” only as part of the one person that is us. When that finally got through to me, that was a huge step forward.

All the big changes in our marriage were the result of changes in me. N’omi loved me without limits from the very start, and has always had a vision of my potential. When I began to accept that, and to accept her coaching, our relationship – and our professional success – really took off.

What do you value most about one another?

I value her total commitment to God and to me, her boundless love and generosity, her unflinching integrity, her honesty, and the fact that she is a faithful witness, no matter how she feels about a situation.

She values my commitment to God and to her, my love, and my tender heart.
We value each other’s courage. Without courage, nothing works.

How do you show appreciation for one another?

Our 34 years together have been a progressively increasing constant demonstration of love and caring for each other. We tell each other of our love, many times a day. We make note of things that are pleasing to each other, and do those things. We write little love notes, with dear little cartoons, that nobody else sees.

We pay attention. We try to notice when our mate needs something, and fill that need for them. We build each other up, and we don’t criticize each other.

We cherish each other. I was surprised to learn not long ago that the Hebrew word translated “cherish” in the Biblical account of the aged King David and the young woman, Abishag, brought to keep him warm, is a word the actually means “agent” – someone who takes upon themselves the interests of another.