Every Man A HERO, Every Woman a COACH
By Joel Orr
Reviewed by Greg Thomas

Think of any great athlete from any sport. No matter who you name, whether in an individual or a team sport, they have all had great coaches to guide their ascent to greatness. What does this have to do with love relationships and marriage?

Quite a lot, according to Joel Orr and his wife of 33 years, N'omi.

Writer, computer consultant and noted futurist Joel Orr draws upon principles and practices more commonly recognized in the past as essential for couples and family success. One might even call him old-fashioned.

But that would be an incomplete description because in today's social and media milieu, saturated with the flash of fame, the allure of the flesh, and the dissolution of the values that kept families together before the '70s, Orr's viewpoint comes across as much more than a reactionary throwback. He makes so much sense in Every Man A HERO, Every Woman a COACH that he may seem radical in his emphasis on what upon close analysis are actually fundamentals.

          The hero-coach metaphor drives the book's focus. “Every man is born to be a Hero, to be loyal and true and brave, to be accomplished in some way, and to overcome great challenges in his quest for the purpose of his life,” Orr writes. Every woman is born to be a Coach for her children and her husband. “As she grows by building a world for her family, she cannot help but be heroic herself; it's in the nature of being a mother. And she cannot help growing in her ability to understand and help her husband.”

          Husbands and wives are partners in Orr's book, not equals per se. They have different roles and functions, working together with complimentary intent and passion for their family's well-being.

          He urges husbands to be receptive to the intuitive insights of their wives to grow into their full potential. As a guide, Orr devotes many chapters to individual development, such as “Character,” “Responsibility,” “Love,” “Commitment,” Integrity,” “Courtesy,” Destiny,” “Priorities,” and “Communication.” Of particular import is Orr's view on “feelings,” which can lead both men and women astray. Emotional maturity—self-government, keeping your feelings in check without suppressing them—is key so that emotions are not the ultimate determinant of your behavior. Without emotional maturity neither men nor women can become the heroes or coaches of their destinies, according to Orr's archetypal model.

          Each chapter concludes with key points to think and talk about, and take action on. This approach is an excellent way for couples to identify each other's strengths and weaknesses and formulate plans and processes with these in mind to build a stronger relationship.

          Parents will find crucial child-rearing suggestions that, if adopted, will make for a happy home during various stages of a young person's development. Orr believes the Bible, that if you train a child properly early on, when he or she is older, they will not depart from those ways. Since Joel and his beloved Coach N'omi have six children, 24 grandchildren, and three great-grand-children, they know what they're talking about. And Nomi's wisdom surfaces throughout the book.

          When asked if she believes in equality for women, N'omi's answer is provocative:

          Why should I give up superiority for mere equality? I have worked at developing my feminine traits and my human abilities. So as a woman, I am superior. But as a man, I'm a failure.

          Why waste my time trying to be something I'm not? I can compete well with men in terms of some of my human abilities. But just as men can never compete with women in terms of feminine traits, I can never compete with men in terms of masculine traits. . .

          So I believe in being the best of what I can be. That includes my feminine qualities, and it includes my human qualities. For this reason, I am a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally. I am not in conflict with myself or with the people around me.

This book is very pro-woman, but some reader's may find the anti-feminist bent of the work troubling. Orr largely lays the dissolution of the traditional family structure at the feet of radical feminism, which he says is “an anti-woman ideology, conceived and promoted by political men who used dynamic women to project the message. Their political motivation was, and is, to do away with the family altogether.” The intent of these “political men” was to “free themselves from the responsibility to protect and provide for their wives, and to father their children into adults.” A strong claim but unfortunately the identity of these men is not revealed.

          This writer doesn't agree with everything in the book, but it's so thought-provoking and clear, so grounded in good judgment and intelligence, that any quibbles are overwhelmed by the realization that Orr's model is a vital addition to the literature on relationships and family life. Especially since throughout he gives examples of his own shortcomings and the steps he took to address them.

          If you want a book that serves as a model for successful growth for men and women as individuals, as husband and wife, and as parents, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better beacon of light than Every Man A HERO, Every Woman a COACH.

For VoR subscribers and guests: here's a special offer if you're interested in checking out this book for yourself: http://vor.emahweb.com/