Are You Spiritual, But Your Mate Is Not?
by Devya

The spiritual part of human nature calls for us to live out the meaning of our lives in peace and harmony with everyone. Although we can love someone who is not spiritual, the question is can we live with them?

Since our spiritual beliefs and values are deeply rooted within us there is no easy answer: each relationship has to be sorted out individually. Although there are no hard and fast rules, I suggest an initial focus on how accepting and committed the partners are to the growth of the relationship. Overall compatibility is crucial also.

Practically speaking, a spiritually strong individual can relate easily to most people. However, living with someone who is not spiritual can, over time, put a strain on an otherwise comfortable relationship.

Before a commitment to a non-spiritual partner is made, ask yourself certain questions and explore the answers. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with a non-spiritual person, the following questions may clarify some issues:

• Is s/he accepting of your spiritual values?

• Does s/he sabotage the good things that happen to you?

• Is your mate willing to allow you to do your spiritual practice?

• Is s/he resentful of the time you spend with others as you engage in your spiritual practice?

• What do you want in terms of support and/or participation from your mate?

• Does your mate understand your practice?

• Does your mate respect it?

• Are you constantly defending your practice, based on remarks your partner makes in the presence of others?

• If and when a child is born into the family, how will the child be raised?

Dedicated and disciplined spiritual practitioners are not easily derailed from their path. Indeed, fostering good relationships is an integral part of most spiritual paths. You will likely feel compelled to do your best “work” with a non-spiritual partner. The danger is that over time you may become weary of being the “different” one in the relationship and adopt the outlook and values of your non-spiritual partner, or even their close friends.

An example is a client referred to me by a physician because she had developed a cancer which, due to the location of the tumor, was inoperable. Through questioning, I discovered that she was living an atypical lifestyle. Although a Christian, she was married for over 17 years to a scientist who was an atheist.

They lived in Canada where my client hosted dinner parties as often as twice a month, but only with other scientists. She very much enjoyed hosting these social affairs. At every gathering the scientists would invariably bring up a discussion of whether or not God existed. Apparently some of them were agnostics, others atheists, but no Christians. Lively discussions and debates that began at dinner always ensued, carrying over into the living room.

My client was the only Christian present. At first, early in her marriage, she would debate right along with them, holding on to and defending her Christian beliefs. Over the years, she found herself leaning towards the agnostic perspective of “not denying that God exists, but not knowing for sure either.” To her surprise, on one memorable evening she found herself jumping to her feet to defend the agnostic viewpoint of a guest. She began feeling that she was losing a part of herself, empty. Hosting the dinner parties became a dread. Illness came upon her, the cancer appeared.

Putting her back on her spiritual path became the focus of our counseling work together. I taught her to meditate, suggested lifestyle changes, helped her to clarify her feelings, and, with herbal supplements from the referring physician, the tumor disappeared. This treatment modality took place over a period of seven months. In order to undergo the treatment, she lived in New York City with relatives during this period. She returned home to Canada healed at the physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels, with her feet planted firmly on her spiritual path. By the way, her husband did not accompany her to New York but was very supportive throughout her treatment.

My client was otherwise compatible with her husband, he was accepting of her spiritual practice, and was a committed partner during her recovery, which was an essential part of her healing. The problem was not with her husband, but rather the long-term, regular association with non-Christians that led to her doubting her true feelings about her spiritual path. Essentially her feelings of being “different” created her emotional conflict.

There are at least 3 key words if you find yourself in a relationship with a non-spiritual person: acceptance, compatibility, and commitment. If you are compatible and committed to one another, and the other partner is accepting of your spiritual practice, then your relationship can still have long-term success. Just know that the majority of the work in the relationship may fall to you as the spiritual person.