You First, Then Everybody Else!
by Devya

It is so easy to be out of touch with yourself. Childhood experiences such as over-discipline (ever heard the expression “children are seen but not heard”?), being in dysfunctional, non-loving households with a missing parent, or physically present caretakers who were emotionally unavailable, are all possible scenarios that set the stage for a non–loving relationship with yourself, which in turn leads to unhappy, unfulfilling adult relationships.

In order to love yourself, learn to put yourself first, depend on yourself, and live from your own true feelings. One cannot heal and be in touch with oneself by constantly giving away your own power and trying to rescue and save everyone else.

Living a much happier and more fulfilled life is more possible than you may imagine. Frequently we won’t claim our happiness because we believe someone else prevents us from doing so. The first step is to begin cultivating yourself from the inside out. Pleasing, imploring and begging, or even scheming or trying to manipulate others to change leads us to feelings of anger, discouragement and sometimes depression. Trying to change someone else is not only frustrating and depressing, it can be fatiguing as well. On the other hand, using your power to effect change in your own life can be very rewarding.

Learning to meditate is one of the easiest and least expensive ways to get in touch with yourself and your needs. With meditation, you literally become your own therapist, learn to read others more easily, and can monitor your behavior for your highest good.

To heal yourself from the past and attract suitable partners for promising and productive relationships in the future, spend some time thinking about the following:

The Past
It is imperative to learn the lessons from previous unsuccessful relationships to stop attracting the same kind of partners. Look into your past and at your current partner’s past as well to glean the lesson. Listen carefully as your partner speaks because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Your Needs
It is unrealistic to enter into a relationship expecting all your needs to be met through someone else. Spend time alone to determine what real your needs are, and then set up a program to have them met. Then when you enter into a relationship you do so because you want to, not because of need.

Boundaries

Everyone needs boundaries, imaginary lines that you place around your heart, soul, mind and body to protect you from harmful behaviors of others. Knowing what you will and will not allow gives you self-respect and makes others treat you with respect. Develop your boundaries so that when situations arise, you are ready with a no-nonsense response.

Learning to love yourself takes work, but is definitely worth the effort! When you discover who you really are and live as your true self, only then can you open up to others as a person who attracts a partner who will honor, respect, and love you. When you stop trying to get from people what they can’t give you, you can begin to enjoy what they do have to offer.

You have just so much energy. It is wisely spent by putting yourself first, your spouse or significant other second, your children third, and any leftover energy with the rest of the world.

Devya, Meditation Mentor, Relationship Coach and Gong Master, helps individuals maximize personal power, solve relationship issues and achieve greater spiritual awareness. She offers a wide range of customized meditation programs to meet the particular needs of her clients. Her programs include meditation instruction, relationship coaching, gong energy therapy, stress management, silent retreats, and meditation vacations. Devya has been featured in Essence, O, The Oprah Magazine, and Heart and Soul, and has been a presenter at The African American Women On Tour (AAWOT). Devya is well known to the WEVD, WBAI, WLIB, WOLB and WHCR radio audiences.

You can sign up for her free newsletter at www.Devya.com. For relationship coaching you can reach Devya by email at Devya@earthlink.net.